GSM: NCISEXY
by OMDP92
Summary: DiNozzo never expected to see his partner on the front cover of his favourite magazine. McGee never expected to see her said partner naked. Gibbs never expected the whole world to see his ex-lovers ass. All in a days work for the ladies of NCIS.


**Get Some Magazine – NCISexy ;)**

**Hey :)**

**Don't even ask where this came from, but I hope you like it. It is very much a crack!fic 'cos there's no way this would happen for various reasons, it's just a bit of fun. **

**And yes, I stole the story title from an edition of American tv guide.**

**Sadly, I do not own said tv guide, or DiNozzo. Or Gibbs. I wish I did, but I do not, so I'm not making any 'wongaaa, as that irritating guy on that cash your phone advert says' for this piece of writing.**

**Dedicated to Molz, MollyGibbs101, just 'cos she's too damn cool to write Tony's reaction in Morning Routine. :D**

**R+R please :)**

**X**

Jennifer Shepard smirked as she sipped on her margarita. She couldn't believe _SecNav_ had approved _this._

_Good publicity, my ass!_

Still it was fun, and likely to give Jethro a coronary, which was one of her favourite things to do. It was a win-win situation. Not to mention how DiNozzo was going to react. He was probably going to have brain damage from repetitive head trauma by the end of it all.

She glanced up from the magazine she was ready at that sound of rarely-heard-mossad-assasinish-laughter, and grinned at the sight of her best friend, looking sexy as sin, draped across a motorbike, barely covered by an oil and grease streaked sheet.

_Forget brain damage, DiNozzo's gonna have his own coronary._

"Margaritas? At ten in the morning?" asked a surprised voice to her right. She turned to look guilty at NCIS' forensic scientist, who laughed.

"Don't look guilty Jen, I like the way you think. And speaking of thinking, what had you so deep in thought a minute ago?"

"I was just thinking of _certain _ men's reactions," she said, and winked.

Abby chuckled as she made up her own drink and sat next to her.

"I must admit, Jen, I was surprised you agreed to this."

"Oh?"

"Please, don't be offended, but you've always seemed such a-"

"Prude?"

"NO! I was gonna say, a private person. I thought you woulda turned it down."

"The things I do for NCIS," Jenny said, and raised her glass in a mock toast. Abby laughingly clinked her glass with Jen's and turned to watch Ziva.

"Wow. Tony's gonna keel over."

"Hmm, my thoughts exactly, Abs. What you got next?"

"Not sure. All I know is that it involves a shirt, stilettos, chocolate, whipped cream and fruit."

"Kinky. You wait till you see what they've got planned for me."

Abby raised an enquiring eyebrow and Jenny indicated the huge studio double doors. As if on cue, the doors opened and a huge wooden mass was wheeled in.

Abby gasped, "No! A BOAT?! Jenny, he'll probably jump you in the office!"

"I know," Jenny said, and chuckled, winking at her friend.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo was not sure what made him drive down to the local news stand on Thursday evening. Maybe it was those delectable doughnuts sold at the stand next to it. Either way, here he was, queuing up to buy this month's issue of GSM, the bag of doughnuts secure in his hand. He finally reached the front of the line.

"GSM, please."

The woman behind the counter glared at him and practically threw the glossy magazine down on the counter-top.

The doughnuts hit the _floor_.

It wasn't the magazine, it was the _cover_ of the magazine. Or more likely, _who_ was on the cover of the magazine.

A beautiful, elegant, sexy, _naked_ back.

And a familiar one at that.

The woman was looking over her shoulder at the camera, a sheet clearly held to her chest, the rest of it curling around her, only just hiding her backside, just a hint of the delectable swell of her ass visible. In her left hand, she held a still-smoking gun. Her dark brunet hair fell in sexy, bed-heady, _sinful_, curls down her back, her chocolate eyes shining, her lips curving up with enigmatic promise.

_Ziva._

The cover was emblazoned with one phrase: **NCISEXY**.

He cleared his throat, "Make that ten copies, please."

The woman gave him the dirtiest look he had ever received, but accepted his cash and bagged up the magazines for him. He smirked as he turned away from the stand, the doughnut bag now back in his grasp. On one hand, he couldn't believe he has just forked out forty bucks on magazines, but on the other, this was ZIVA. He had a _hell_ of a night ahead of him.

He made it back to his apartment in record time, and headed straight for his study, not the lounge, his usual GSM reading spot, apart from the office, of course. He flicked the main lights on and his desk lamp and got one of the magazine's out of the bag and opened it, sitting down with a shit-eating grin on his face. He stared at the picture of Ziva for at least ten minutes, before flicking open the front cover to read the editor's note.

_Dear Readers,_

_As you can probably tell, this month's edition is slightly different. In honour of the Marine Corps Birthday, GSM has dedicated this issue to NCIS, the Naval Criminal Investigative Service, which apparently houses some of the sexiest women in America. Led by red-headed fox and first ever female Director of an armed federal agency, Jenny Shepard, NCIS investigates crimes associated with the Navy, and do a damned good job of it, so we thought we'd give them the recognition they deserve._

_Semper Fi,_

_The Editor._

Tony smirked. He had had NO idea that the ladies had been planning this. He flicked open the next page and gaped.

_Jenny._

Gibbs was going to COLLAPSE.

Jenny, relaxed against the spine of an unfinished BOAT, dressed in just an NCIS t-shirt. Her lips and nails were red, in one hand, she clutched a mason jar full of what looked like bourbon, and her hair was an amazing, just-been-shagged mess. She was winking suggestively at the camera. She looked _incredible_.

Thoroughly gobsmacked, he hurriedly flicked to the middle pages, to see the centre-fold.

He fell out of his chair.

In all seriousness.

_Abby._

She was standing in front of a metal work-station, very much like the one within her lab, with her back to the camera. The table was laden with fruit, candy and whipped cream. All she wore was a pair of very high black stilettos, and one of _his_ shirts. He recognised it quite clearly. Her hair was an amazing mass of curls. He admired her long, creamy legs, in their wide stance. The shirt was hanging off her shoulders, one of which she looked over, giving the camera some serious come-hither eyes. He couldn't _believe_ this. Since when had ABBY seemed sexy to him? Yet here he was, on his study floor, with his pants tighter than they had ever been.

_Screw this_, he thought. He tossed the magazine on his desk, grabbed his keys and headed out.

Abby Sciuto was pretty pleased with the way the shots had come out. She looked damn good. She grinned at the magazine again and then frowned as her doorbell rang.

_Who could be calling this late_?

She got up and pulled it open. She barely held back a scream as Tony barrelled through her doorway, pulled her into his arms and crushed his lips against hers.

She would be lying if she said she wasn't surprised.

She would be lying if she said she didn't enjoy it.

And she would most definitely be lying if she said she didn't want more.

She responded to his kiss enthusiastically and allowed him to back her down the hallway to her bedroom, collapsing onto her bed.

Tony groaned as the alarm sounded angrily in his bedroom. He reached over to smack the sleep button and froze when he encountered soft skin.

_Abby_.

He turned to look at her.

She was wide awake, bright green eyes looking at him, an expression of slight concern on her face.

And his first thought?

_GIBBS IS GOING TO KILL ME!_

Abby bit her lip. She looked adorable, "Tony?"

"Abs."

She sighed, "Uh, what happened? Well, I don't mean what happened, I know what happened, I REALLY know what happened, but what, uh, brought this on? This is crazy!"

Tony shushed her with a finger to her lips, before he pressed his lips urgently against hers.

"I went to the news stand last night, Abs."

She looked confused, but then her whole expression cleared and then she glared at him, sitting up.

"Let me get this straight, you came barging over here and screwed me practically through the mattress, all because you saw me half-naked in stupid GSM?"

"No, Abs, I didn't even buy it 'cos of you, I bought it 'cos I saw Ziva on the front cover."

"Oh that makes me feel so much better!"

"Let me finish! I bought a few copies and went home and sat down to look at it, and then I turned to the middle page, and it was like, like, I couldn't freaking breathe! It was like getting hit by a truck! All these feelings! God, you are SO beautiful, and maybe it did take a bit of skin to get rid of the DO NOT CROSS signs in my head, but when I saw those pictures Abs, god! I _needed_ to have you."

She glared at him.

"That came out wrong. Look, lately, I have been feeling really different about you. I think I'm falling for you!"

"How long is lately?"

He looked at the floor and mumbled something.

"What?" she asked, putting her finger under his chin, forcing him to lock eyes with her.

"Nearly two years," he said.

Her expression softened and she beamed, before pressing her lips against his.

"GOD, Abby, I love you so much, baby."

"I love you too, Tony," she replied, and kissed him back, deeply.

"Now come on, we'd better get up, otherwise we're gonna be late for work and Papa Bear will eat you alive."

"Got a funny feeling he's gonna do that anyway, Abs," he replied, going in for one last kiss and then rolling out of bed.

When Leroy Jethro Gibbs stepped out of the elevator Thursday morning, he instantly noticed the change in atmosphere. It was _buzzing_. He strode over to his team's section of the bull pen. McGee sat there, staring into space, shocked. The rest of the team was absent.

"McGee! What's going on?"

McGee turned to look at him, his mouth still wide open. Gibbs noticed the magazine on his desk and snatched it up, determined to find out what had stunned the probie. His eyes widened in shock at the sight of Ziva on the front cover.

**NCISEXY.**

_What the HELL?!_

He flicked a couple of pages in and froze.

_Jenny._

_Bourbon._

_Boat._

_Guuhhhhhhhh._

He collapsed into his chair and stared at the photograph, before flicking through the rest of the magazine.

_Jenny…._

_Ziva…..ZIVA!.._

_Cynthia?_

_Agent LEE?_

_ABBY!?!?_

_Ziva…_

_Jenny…_

_Abby…_

_Cassidy???_

_H-O-L-Y S-H-I-T._

He had reached the centre-fold. He stared, completely gobsmacked, at the photo of Abby in a man's shirt. He flicked through the rest of the magazine.

Ziva on a _motorbike._

Abby. ABBY. On _his _desk. In one of _his_ sports coats. Where the hell did she get that?

He came to the last pages of the magazine. Again it was a double. His brain forgot how to function.

_Jennifer Shepard._

Sat in a movie-set DIRECTOR's chair. With a cut out back.

_Naked._

Her perfect, beautiful, amazing derriere on display for all the world to see. She was looking over her shoulder at the camera, her lips in a sultry pout, winking outrageously. Her right hand was curled around her body, holding her badge in full view of the camera.

_Shit._

He looked up at her office. She was standing on the catwalk. She locked eyes with him, and then gave him _that _wink, before turning on her very high heels and striding into her office.

He turned at the sound of someone entering the bullpen. Just Ziva. Ziva in a biker's jacket, stiletto boots and sprayed on jeans, a helmet under her arm. He gaped like a fish at her. She smiled at him and sat at her desk. Not ten minutes later, DiNozzo and Abby turned up. Gibbs groaned.

_Tony was gonna have a damn __**field**__ day._

Tony made to sit at his desk, but Abby stopped him, dragging her back to him and kissing him passionately. Gibbs could only gape some more at the sight of his senior field agent wind his arms around a woman he could very much consider a daughter, after today, and kiss her back, giving as good as he got. Abby finally pulled back from Tony, gave him one last peck and a wink, before striding off to her lab. That was when Gibbs noticed the sheer lace black blouse, high-waisted, black pencil skirt and black stilettos. Tony gulped, but it appeared Gibbs was too gobsmacked to be angry. McGee didn't even appear to have noticed, he was too busy staring at Ziva. Tony hurriedly sat down at his desk and got straight into his work, eager to avoid punishment.

One hour and three cups of coffee later, Gibbs was feeling some semblance of normal. Everywhere he walked around NCIS couples, mostly containing women that had been in the magazine, were making out. He busted Lee and Palmer in autopsy, Balboa and Cynthia in the break room, and _Ziva and McGee_ in the squad room. He had yet to see Tony, Abby or Jenny since this morning's incidence. Which was why he was heading down to the lab, where he was pretty certain his miscreant senior agent was hiding out. Sure enough, Tony and Abby were in the middle of the lab, locked in a heady embrace. He cleared his throat. Tony froze and pulled back from his girl, mouth open with a thousand excuses at the ready.

"You know what DiNozzo, I don't _care._ You treat her good, or they won't ever be able to find the pieces, alright?"

Tony nodded, still looking terrified. Abby was smirking.

"Seen Jenny yet, bossman?"

He glared at her and ducked out of her lab, having every intention of visiting their mutual boss.

When he reached her outer office, he was alarmed to find a long queue of men outside it. He ignored them all and barged straight into her office. A few grumbled, but none of them had the guts to stop him cutting line. Jenny glanced up from her talk with Palmer as he burst into her office. She raised and eyebrow at him and then turned back to Jimmy.

"That is all, Mr Palmer, you may leave."

He nodded and nervously backed out of the room.

"What the HELL is going on, Jen?" Gibbs yelled, "Why are all those MEN out there?"

"They're not here for _sexual_ favours, if that's what you're thinking, Jethro."

He glared at her. Of course she had to mention _sex_. He could literally _feel_ the blood rushing south.

"I take it you've seen the magazine?"

"Very, uh, interesting, Direc-_tor_," he said, gruffly.

She arched an eyebrow, "I pose around naked for four hours, and all I get is _interesting_?"

"Oh, I think you know exactly what those photos did to me."

"I'm seeing it now, Jethro," she said, smirking.

He glared at her again, "What the hell _possessed_ you?"

"SecNav. GSM approached him. He thought it would be good publicity."

"Fine, but did you _have_ to show your ass to the ENTIRE world?"

"Getting a bit protective of what isn't yours, aren't you, Jethro?"

He glared at her, _again._

"You need a new facial expression," she informed him.

He just glared back.

"Jethro, what can I do for you?"

"You know EXACTLY what you can do for me!" he snapped.

She smirked at him, rounded her desk and came to stand in front of him. That was when he took in what she was wearing. Her blouse was cream and practically _see-through_, with black pinstriped pants and ridiculously high heels. She stepped up to meet him toe-to-toe.

"Why don't you show me what you want me to do for you, _Jethro?_"

She shrieked as she was thrown onto her desk and he covered her body with his, almost smashing his mouth against hers.

In the outer office, sat Abby, Tony, McGee, Ziva, Palmer, Lee, Cynthia, and Ducky. They had forcefully dismissed the lone line of hopeful men and were waiting for Gibbs' re-appearance.

"JENNY!" They heard their fearless leader bellow.

"That was _not_ a sex-related shout," Tony said, slowly. Abby hurried over to the door and burst through it, the others right behind her.

Jenny was perched on her desk, looking decidedly ravished, and Gibbs was standing over her, shirtless, looking furious.

"Hullo, hullo, wuz goin' on 'ere then?" Tony said.

Jenny grinned evilly and held up the back of the magazine, which not many people had looked at, considering what was inside of it.

There was a blown-up Polaroid, of a certain silver-haired NCIS Special Agent, sat up in an unfamiliar bed, naked save a blood-red pillow on his lap, and the stem of a red rose between his teeth. The Eiffel Tower was visible out of the window.

_Leroy Jethro Gibbs._

***giggles***


End file.
